DEAR SOLA

Leaving an abuser is an ego breaker. You have taken away their control and no one wants that. He will, if he finds you, firstly try force. If that doesn't work he will try tears. He will beg and promise to change. He won't.  

Dear Sola

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I havd been reading and enjoying your page for quite a while. I also see your posts on facebook, Purple Buddies? Anyway I am writing because I am an abused wife. My husband is a Church Pastor in one of the biggest churches worldwide. He preaches love and prosperity yet he beats me almost everyday. I am so expert in covering up my bruises I should write a book.

He never used to be like that. I don’t know what happened. He doesn’t drink or smoke. On the day he started we had gone to an outside service. I had been chatting to the wife of their pastor when he tugged my arm and said lets go.

In the car he slapped me so hard my hat and wig fell off. Even the driver was shocked. Since then it is almost everyday. He uses a pillow to muffle my screams and his blows, so I hardly bruise where you can see. 

No one really knows what’s going on. One day my children came in while he was beating ne and he told them we were pillow fighting.

Sola. Who can I tell? No one will believe me. He is a daddy in the church. People will say it must be me. I am 12 years younger than him and I am a nurse so I am alteady looked upon as a Jezebel type woman.

I just cant take anymore. I have to get out before he kills me, which he tells me he will do and that he will get away with it. He says no one will ever suspect him.

How do I get out Sola? You say you help people who suffer abuse or DV so please give me advise.

We currently live in Lagos but travel all over the world. Thank you.

Mummy G.O.

 

Dear Mummy G.O

What! A Top Pastor? Hmmm?

The first thing you need to do is tell someone. Fast! Do you have any friends? Family. Tell them now please.

You need to get a confidant that you can have an escape plan with. Pack a light bag, just put a few things in daily. Essentials, toiletries, sim card, underwear, glasses, sandals, a book, anything that will tide you over for at least a month. Toothbrush, sanitary towels water biscuits, a tin opener and proof of identity. Then get a good, neutral, preferably a woman, lawyer.

Take items one or two at a time. Wear two tops so you can take one off at your friends or in a secret place so no one will actually see you packing or get any idea of what is going on. If your husband finds out you will never be able to leave.
Never buy things like chargecards on a card. It’s traceable. Always use cash, where possible. When you have enough items and cash ( cash is very important if you want to disappear.) have a RED word

R:Ready. When you are ready use a pre-rehearsed statement like”Yes the prayer meeting to tomorrow. 9am. Ok. Bye. No one will suspect you if you use something familiar to your circumstances. In your case its the church.

E:Escape. If you are not abroad, as soon as you escape, get in touch with your lawyer and begin proceedings. 

D:Disappear. Make sure you get as far away as possible. He will try and find you and start sending the pleading crew. When you disappear be prepared for a fight.

Leaving an abuser is an ego breaker. You have taken away their control and no one wants that. He will, if he finds you, firstly try force. If that doesn’t work he will try tears. He will beg and promise to change.

He won’t!
He will get you home and the abuse will gradually get worse. Don’t get bullied into going back. This is usually from family and friends, in your case it will be the church leaders.
Do you have pictures of your abuse? No? Start taking them now!

You say you travel all over the world, start planning now against your next trip and seek asylum as soon as you get to the country. Have all your evidence with you, your packed bag and find the nearest police station.

I’m sure he would want to avoid a scandal so he would not want to be arrested or exposed, making your escape permanent.

You didn’t mention the ages of your children. Please don’t think you have to stay for their sake. Once you are safe, family members will get them out for you. If not the Law will. You have to save yourself first. Then you can save them. Please keep in touch as you will also need a lot of counselling. It is not and has never been your fault. He is a bully a control freak. A small man that thinks ge owns you. This is advise to other women. If he hits you.once, he will do it again. I wont afvise you to leave but I will advise you to get help and always keep a log.

Please be safe and remember, think RED!

God’s blessings and protection.

Sola

2 Comments
  1. Funmi Folarin says

    I like the RED aspect of your counselling. Women don’t settle for less. Don’t loose your self esteem. Life is for the living!

    1. Sola Doyle says

      Thank you. It is very important that they prepare or have an escape route. Most woman that leave are usually coaxed back by family, blackmail or financial contraints.

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